Un-InterrupteD!!!

selfish!

2008-11-30T02:49:00.000-08:00

Strip me of it all.

Leave nothing to be taken.

The exorcism i wished for

Did not get less painful

My world looks metamorphic to you

You hate the stats as well

You hate that i expect

But am sad because you expect much more

Don't you know how naked i am now?

Still you want so much more from me

My shame, pride, honour and ego

All laid by your feet to be crushed

I have nothing more to give

I offered myself to you

Looks like it's not enough

I am sorry i have nothing more left to give.

No more worry no more pain to you

No more mean things to say

I will disappear i promise

U won hear a word about me

Not even in whispers

Drowning in sorrow everyday

Tears of pearls which you loathe

Today i have drowned

No more to return

Sorry am being selfish

I love myself too

Less than i love you

I promise

But i have to save myself

Save myself for people who care.

Realisations!!--Love a Potion or Poison?

2008-11-15T04:22:00.000-08:00

the past never stops following you..and the future nevr gets brighter. however hard u try to see the sun it never comes to this part of the horizon.it does not wants to bless this barren long forgotten place.

the more u try to achieve the more ur fears get to you. the more u try to get rid of them the more they engulf you.

it all doesn happen quick but slowly it comes...and comes for sure. its never late it never fails. its like poison acts slowly on you...happy u are at one momment..and suddenly but slowly the pain gets to u..the poison gushes through ur veins but its effects are slow..killing u each momment bit by bit...so there is no chance to come back...to recover.

and before u realise u are poisoned its too late.

please don feel sorry...its not killing a good humble person...killing someone who is like an ivy...looks good on ur garden initially but later is a nuisance. only once u get to know her u would understand. there is such hate and darkness in her heart ...she cant love anyone...she cant even feel anything..always lost in her own world.

she had forgotten how poisonous this beautifull feelilng can be....strips u off slowly and then suddenly u are naked, naive and vulnerable....exposed like this to pay for all ur wrong doings..pay for the bad person u are. pay for ur anger pay for ur loathe and the list is endless....these realisations are not new..everytime she thinks she has her knight in shining armour. she dreams ...dremas tht are not for her..forgetting that the knight actually comes with a sword a blunt one....tears her apart...bringing out all the evil in her...making her live her hell again..her hell which she fails to mask! her hell which she brings upon her knight...her hell which makes her knight realise- he should bring her back to reality..bring her back to where she belongs..what she deserves. she deserves no happiness..none at all..she is very dangerous...toxic and has a flammable temper which could kill anyone.

she should hide somewhere where she could do no harm. she should be locked up somewhere where there is no return..and do u think such a land exists..yes it does..the kingdom of loneliness where no one harms anyone..jus themselves...where they realise they ve been poisoned. for good never to return!

hmmmm

2007-07-03T03:47:00.000-07:00

going to goa again...haha

am i lucky or not???

i got a job
i hate it.

i am writin gre
going abroad
its been a yr
n i still don have my
PASSPORT.

i don have time
i am going to goa

i wanna go home
but i gotta rot in chennai.

and it goes on

don wanna grumble
but sumhow i always do.

2007-03-04T19:57:00.000-08:00

Only CHANGES are PERMANENT in LIFE!!

2007-03-01T01:03:00.000-08:00

3 months in goa!!! and my life is....lol!!! am doin things i never thot i wud..have learnt to live my life better i guess...may be may be not...anyways why i am here today is cuz i wanna write about the carnival..i wanna write abt raj baug...the swim i had there..the booze i ve fed myself over the past few days...i m still an occassional drinker am gettin hooked on to VODKA and LIME,ORRANGE JUICE and SLICE...liquor hasn got to my head yet...parties till the mornin n my mum not sayin anythin to it..i missed axi a lot at vanilla's (club!!) i missed all my coll friends....music doesn get to u until they are ard,,it doesn make u lose urself until u enjoy everything ard u and dance like no one's watchin!!..i wish they come...i wud love it even more. the beauty of each beach and it doesn tire my eyes to go there again and again..the serenity no one can give u, a serenity which no one take only u take u enjoy!!
cullinary skills..still the same but the my tastebuds get refreshed every now and then....squids, mussels and frogs (called BABO) here..amazin the platter feels yucky to most but i don care ..life is short eat all u can be merry all u can u never know the time u gonna die..tht was a depressing line...but depression and sad things have no space in my head the heart ...may be turned lil bit like solid agar medium...thts influence of worlin with microbiology..anyways let me not wander...MARTIN"S CORNER here is a place to ponder...i think i sound crazy now..i gotta stop..cuz i dunno why..will upload pics soon.

My Knight in Shining Armor

2007-01-22T00:46:00.000-08:00

From the moment a little girl understands a fairytale she wants to be Cinderella waiting for her prince charming to come and rescue her. We all want to live this fairytale, thinking someday-someday my knight in shining armor would arrive.

Huh!! It actually happens for the lucky ones!! I sure envy them.

I dream like that too. But alas those dreams remain as such. I almost live them and that’s when I have to pinch myself wakeup to come back to reality. Ouch! Girl it’s not like it seems. Everybody wants to be loved, to be cared for, to be that someone special, to mean the world to someone, my question is does that someone feel the same too. so many ppl have loved me but I failed to see it. I refused to let them enter into my life. I deprived them of me. But was that wrong I cant let everyone enter my life. Everyone can’t be my prince charming!! But will I ever be someone special for the one I love. For the one who I want to be my knight in shining armor. He came into my world as a friend. He took things differently took them somewhere, where I would have needed all my faith to have come back. And when I gave him the chance he did not want it. He wants me to be there as a friend. Why do ppl take you to heights and drop u so hard from there and they don even look back at you. Not bothering would u recover it.

Someone told me let love happen to you until u have enough of it. Every time it happens it strikes me so bad that when I have to bounce back I have to really fight hard. No doubt I have learnt to come back. But I cry I get depressed, I m an emotional fool I cant help it. I don’t know why. Sweet nothings give me immense joy n tiniest of tiny things make me cry.
This time I let it happen to me again not bothering abt what consequences I ll have to bear. And he’s done it to me. Like everybody else. N he hates being compared. I can’t help but compare. Cuz in the end they are all the same.

I love advertisin for Colgate!!

2006-12-18T08:28:00.001-08:00

lol!!...i say tht cuz m laughin..smilin havin fun!!

the spicy funfilled life is back..n in a short span of three days!!

started out with the midnight birthday celbrations of one of the girls here....man we made a mess out of her...n there was this guitar n mouth organ among us...tunes were jus floatin n we caught them to make our momments more beautiful...went on till 3.

saturday!! k was leavin i was upset...but then dinner at a beach...oh amazin..live music playin..the bar was the most fascinating thing there....under a rock..a huge rock!!! i explored the peaceful..uninhabited places in goa tht nite...bob marley addin in the effect..i got back at one...

m finnaly gettin used to a no deadline hostel..he he..

sunday!! visited the fort...dch fort...beautiful sunset pictures comin up soon..n vagatour..beautiful..i loved my solitude there..

gOa..The way I seE iT

2006-12-18T08:09:00.000-08:00

view from the jetty..

2006-12-18T04:05:00.000-08:00

sunset at jetty..

The IRONY of my life.

2006-12-12T02:55:00.000-08:00

Can u beat that!!...I am in GOA for 6 months!!

sounds excitin doesn it....but the sad part is i am not!!

i m such a god damn ungrateful female!!

huh!!

two days back i loved this place!!...i wanted to live here..settle down in one of those beautiful cottage houses. peaceful the state is, n its aesthetic value i m sure u ve alrealy heard volumes about it.

sunday was an awesome day!! thanks to royce!! i walked almost the entire panjim city...went thru the vegetable market,clicked snaps (ppl thot i came to india for the first time lol!), learnt all the possible short cuts n i shopped like crazy..bought anythin tht i saw n liked..it was like unleashin a female who hasn shopped or seen beautiful things to buy. i m so ashamed of myself for behavin tht way. calangut n candolin beaches are must visit beaches here. excellent beauty...nice sandy beaches, nice restaurants, good lookin ppl n water sports!! what else do u need..booze is available cheap for those who enjoy it....i love this place!!

but i hate the state my life is in..four days at nio and i m feelin so bad ...sad, depressed n miserable. (i never run short of adjectives here do i??)

I mean i like my life to be organised. i like to plan it n know where exactly am i going...what exactly am i to do...here i m given work but i still feel lost n lonely!! nobody's been rude to me here but no one's here to care.I miss my life back at VIT now...wat a two faced bitch i m ..i cribbed abt it so much when i was there...n now i hate it here..human nature...never be happy with what u have....actually if i get the same ppl from VIT here..i think my life will rock!! it will be the best time of my life!! i miss all of them...fortunately i met ppl like them n unfortuately i met them in my final year!!

enough of cribbin i guess!!

i have 2 great things to look forward to...AXI is comin yippeee....i haven seen her in a long time...i want her to come soon...n Alu is comin too..although she is comin with her folks i ll get to meet her..can't wait!! they are the only hope of mine to survive this month in goa!! after all what is life without friends!!

hope...

2006-12-04T03:18:00.000-08:00

Everything happens for a reason.

i have 2 questions here when i think of this sentence.

1. Do these things happen because they are meant to?? (DESTINY, FATE???) what is it??

2. Do these things happen because of our actions?? we direct everythin that we do don we??

My life is not an ordinary life u know....its so full of events somethin or the other keeps happening.

there are happy momments...hillarious momments...naughty......crazy.....wackiest of momments n they make me smile at thought of them.
and there are BAD ...UGLY....momments which keep reccuring in my life...diff ppl....n they make me THINK...

Its a very common word in my dictionary...i never seem to get rid of it, however hard i try. somethin happens irrespective of good or bad ...i THINK....think like..my world of imagination knows no bounds..its free of all rules.....it jus goes the way it wants to...and u know what happens ultimately....the PESSIMISM within me grows!!...i cant help it...i try real hard n i ll still try to think optimisticly..but my life, like i said eventful life has so many things happening at the same time tht i never can. I try built my castle of happiness, it never lasts long....it disintegrates soon enough to let the bloody depression..the bloody sad,dark things to creep back into my life n leave me feeling horrible..alone n sick!!

and thts wats happenin again ..m at home am suppose to feel good...my arse i do..i hate it more than being alone.

my parents ..my happiness means nothin to them...how much more lucky could i get. n this person who came into my life...huh..i m no good newhere.....writin today is not helpin..its jus makin me realise the bitter truths of life...
i m sad ..unwanted....i dun think i deserve to live so unhappy!! world is meant for happy souls!

my hope jus went poof!! vanished into thin air!!

The flavors of life!!!

2006-11-03T03:53:00.001-08:00

Few hrs back somethin very small happened but i cant seem to get it off my head. Its irritatin me...and am reatless. Its not the first time tht this is happenin. Small unimportant things have so much of a major impact on my life. I try not to give time to thought like these...but we have this wicked thing called the BRAIN, and it never stops thinkin.

We are suppose to learn from our mistakes. I dunno when will I?
why does SIN taste so sweet???

There are things in the back of my head, and i know they are true and i shouldn be doing it. But then somethin tht u aren suppose to have, is what u want the most.
I guess tht is where Adam n Eve couldn resist the Apple. Its in our Nature. I dunno how few ppl live their life so perfect no flaws at all. Nothin that they wud regret. I wish i could be like them. Have full control over myself, my actions, my way of dealing with ppl. Jus few shortcomings of mine and i screw up so major. if i happen to have more, my life would have been in an irrepairable mess. Thank god i ain there yet.

I know i am emotional and I always let ppl take advantage of. I get close to them way too much, givin too much and ultimately i am the loser ..i am the one who s hurt majorly and fucked up in the head.

anyways this blog makes me realise a lot. Probably i won think of it anymore and not give a damn, not let ppl hurt me. i am sick of everyone treatin me the same.

so my life s flavor will have to change ....what about yours??

WateR

2006-09-12T03:02:00.000-07:00

Water, one of the ruling elements. When i hear the word ...i think of the colour blue, calmness, serene, pure.

Deepa mehta made a movie called it 'WateR' . I had heard about it cuz it was banned!!. the curiosity n want to watch sumthin that is forbidden is more. I jus knew the cast, n tht it was to do with widows.

I got my hands on tht movie today. it leaves me in a weird state of mind. A very disturbed and restless feeling. how could such attrocities be carried out. Absolutely impractical an approach for what we hindus should feel ashamed of.

A girl aged 7, gets married to a man on his death bed. she doesn understand what a marriage is. her age is to play n not be with a guy fit to be her father. when her father comes n asks her..' beti tumhari shaadi hui thi yaad hai na'. the lil girl chuhiya...replies 'nahi baba'. the next momment u see her at the banks of river ganges...n her dad says "tum vidhwa ho gayi ho" she asks "woh kya hota hai". it jus sends shiver thru u. Imagine urself there god!! it gives me goosebumps.

deepa mehta at most places brings out the bitter truths abt our hindu customs thru the innocent chuhiya. it leaves u with tears....there are places when i too feel like the inquisitive chuhiya where she asks "vidhwa aadmi kahan hai".

why has our society been this way. It s a very contradicting situation cuz the hindu religion i think is the only religion which ...prays to women goddesses and respects the mother, the sister. still things like these have crept in n are still continuin at remote villages. the act of prostitution is looked down upon...but its existence is there becuz Men want it...n women are forced under circumstances to indulge in it. i think there will be very few women who are into the profession willingly. why aren men who are equally involved in the act looked down upon...why are they so proud to keep it alive ...if they don want it..it stops to a great extent i think....why are women so vulnerable in the hands of men....we lose it all n they never do...may be they never will.

when will the society change ...n stop makin sex a taboo...when will the young girls of india definately have a bright future. there was this article recently...female foetuses being disposed into wells in punjab.....education has done no good...the dowry system still prevails...india has this disease which will never get cured i think!!!

Re-kindle.....

2006-09-09T00:57:00.000-07:00

It came as a suprise to me, when balaji anna came and told me i have to leave for SRMC-Sri Ramachandra Medical Coll -Chennai, the next day to play Tennis. I had been playin tennis for the past few months, but am still not tht good to play professional tennis. However having a good partner like Alekhya, i thought we might stand a chance so i left.

first match Ethiraj coll...its a woman's coll in chennai, known for its gorgeous & talented girls.
But their tennis team as i had seen in the last tournament werent too good. I was overconfident , thinking ..it would be easy to sail through.

That was my first mistake!! i almost lost the match. I lost my cool...hit all my shots out. the hot sun at 2:oo pm was makin it worse.
score was 6-2...she reaches 8 i loose the match. thats when my entire Basketball team came down to cheer for me...i caught up ...7-3....and then i reached 7-7...tie breaker 1-6 i thought i lost n walked out...the ref called me back sayin i gotta play one more point.

i went back...i was tired to the limit..have never played in the hot sun!!
everybody's cheerin "c'mon hazarika fight u cant let that point go away, u have to win" .
the crowd cheerin so hard for me...i had hope. i fought hard ...point by point i came up..frustratin my opponent. i won it.

there were cheers!!! oh it was amazin!!...after years did i taste victory tht way. i ran straight in to the arms of the first person i met outside court. oh it was great...cant express it better. and it was more fun to hear ppl praise u again n again for ur determination n will power.

It was years ago that i had played that way or done anythin as a matter of fact, i was takin everythin too easy n jus livin on. didn try at all to make anythin better...all tht i did was crib!!

that trip changed a lot...i am back at enjoyin badminton n tennis again..have spend the past two evenings playin with good sportsmen. i wanna win, i wanna excel...the desire to win returns.

i even wrote my sim CAT more seriously today...hopefully i ll master quant...i am tryin won give up.

the only thing tht bothers me here is ...
why do i always need some pushin.
why do i constantly need someone to tell me what to do
why don i know what to do..what do i want...
all this churns a feeling , which makes me restless n i hate it...
i guess with time i ll know...

rite now am jus gonna smile n be happy tht there are ppl who care ....n i have got back my spark!!!
i got to keep it comin!!!

Humans are the biggest fools!!

2006-08-25T05:03:00.000-07:00

How easy is it to be influenced by others or get talked into things?

Does this affect ones actions?

Why do we make judgments based on what others think?

Why don’t we try to know what it’s about by ourselves?

Why the happy me

2006-08-11T21:49:00.000-07:00

There are 2 people in my life who deserve a section of my life. they are not my mentors or guide but friends who changed the way i looked at things!!

last year my life had gone to a point where i failed to see anything nice and happy. It looked like
the entire world was comin down on me. lets not say looked like...i pictured it all that way. The unwanted way...which led me to a never ending pit of depression, a caustic tongue towards my closest people and a cocoon that i had built around myself from seeing anything nice and beautiful. All that my eyes wanted to see was the darkness. an intense pessimism growing within me. It was growin so fast..it was scaring me. I thought i would never again think of happy things, never again would i enjoy smiling or laugh my heart out. and now when i come to think of myself that way i am so disgusted.

There were a lot of well wishers, lets say ppl who wud think they know me well enuf...who understood me...felt my pain..but their advices got me nowhere but to a more confused and disturbed me. They wanted to see me good again..but their words were not healing me...instead doing a greater damage...making me feel ..am the weird one.

but there was Medha she made a difference. she saw thru me. sometimes i felt she knew exactly what was going on in my head and she felt the pain thru me. she gave me strength to sail thru it all. Everytime something felt wrong she wud make it feel perfect and right. she would make me see the ray of light which i had been shutting myself from. She made me see how beautiful life can get; no matter how much people ruin it for you.

you win not let them win.

she has helped me emerge as a person who finally learnt to see the beauty of life!! to take things lite and enjoi them. to make no room for my worries but for all the fragrance that shall linger for the rest of my life.

Then the other person i am talkin about is JC. I ve never met him....one perfect stranger to me..yet he has had a major impact on the new person i m today. Sounds weird doesn it..but ppl connect ...they connect on a level....where one mind has a key to the other. A very sound guy, his optimism ...it outshone the pessimism i reflected. Although confused himself...he had a vision thru which i m still learnin to see life in a way i never saw before...may be i already know wat all he puts forward to me...but to realize it ..to see it..he makes me see. i know i shudn depend ...but am learnin .The taste of independence is what i am enjoyin now...if ppl walk away from me..i can smile n forget abt it...may be i m not that great yet, to forgive you....there i talk unnnecessarily again...comin back to jc...sometimes i get intimidated...he scolds me...it pierces me bad at times..but when has truth ever tasted sweet.

i am still learning...learning never stops...

hate evrythin!!!

2006-07-05T21:33:00.000-07:00

i wanna shatter,
i wanna dissapear into thin air,
i wanna be immune to all,
i don wanna exist.

An Attempt!

2006-06-25T04:12:00.000-07:00

There is somethin which is choking me and i cannot do anything about it...i am tryin hard to reach out, tryin hard to shout but no voice....and then suddenly i am being thrown off this tall building i am falling...falling so fast that i can feel an emtiness in my stomach, the air pushin its way through my hair n my ears hear it all...it hurts ...hurts really bad that i cant scream, falling so helplessly when i don want to...and BAM!!!...am on the groud but it doesn hurt...no hurt at all..rather feels like am floating away on something...my eyes open wide..and i realise i am on my bed...was jus havin my usual nightmare!!!

I , Ray chatterjee, am a successful photographer. I love my work no one can get more lucky than me. i get to capture nature at its best. I capture the fake beauty that ppl project and make loads of money with it. The real beauty is always captured but never rewarded. In this fast growing country i have become an expert at pleasin the indian crowd. i bring them exactly what they want!!...i love my office my work. life cant be better...i got no qualms about anything..i have plenty to buy whatever i want ..plenty of dough...trust me. At the age of 21, any damn normal girl is forced to be jealous of me. And i enjoy it. One helluva selfcentered chick I am. And i am happy about it...if i wouldn have been one i would have never survived. The Media wouldn have loved me so. Anyways enuf about me.....sometimes i get bored myself.

The only thing that is bothering me rite now is this stupid country's govt rules!!
All i wanna do is adopt a girl child and they are makin it so difficult too ..many rules, too many formalities. The bloody media they add oil to the fire. I' ll make a good a good mom ...i am a responsible person...i party a lot, so what i never gt drunk and forget what i am not supposed to do. Now since there is this huge hype...this god damn ashram manager wants me to bribe him so i can get the work done faster....look how bad our system is. a 2-3 days work is goin on for the past one year ....and my nightmare its b'cum so frequent.

let me not waste anymore time writin about all this i gotta go to the court and get my dughter today. Today is the verdict ....am i goin to be a good mother???. finally the media can keep its gob shut after this!!...how stupid they are to give hype to minor things jus to make up some hot spicy news...why don they use the power to do something good.

Anyways i gotta go now...adios!

2006-06-17T03:58:00.000-07:00

heven written for long...really long....there was this turmoil within me....n lets say its kinda settled......i was so confused with wat i wanted to do, where would i go, but now things seem to come into pace...i bagged a job!!...COGNIZANT!!
most ppl ask me wats this company is about and where is it...well i explain n explain...anyways...when i didn make it thru tcs ...it was kinda okay...but facin another rejection...the kind of tension that would build up at home...it scared me!! i panicked bad...i cried it all out as usual...cry baby!!

but when i stepped into the classroom to write my test i felt more confident....i began to feel i m not all that bad in quant...neways ..the interview...all heers to jc....wouldn have been a peice of cake without him...n lil dude...ur ans for answerin those c,c++, questions really helped....i steered my way to success...neways lets see whether i really join them...at times i want to...at times...i m petrified by the thot of it....well atleast the storms no longer there...n my sea here is calm...i hape it stays so.

Confused!!

2006-05-10T00:34:00.000-07:00

I think this is the most frequent word I tend to use these days...Or atleast it crosses my mind way too many times.

I m gonna start my fourth yr engg now...goin to sit for placements...Sounds like a pretty picture doesn it???

well this can be the worse time of ur life i guess most of us go thru this...its the phase where the metamorphosis of a larvae to a butterfly happens...its a natural process..meant to happen.
then why m i fussin n frettin so much...sometimes i hate myself for this...i know the problem n i know the ans...n i still cling on to it...wat a bitch i m...

what i m confused about is...i don want a job...i m not even happy with what m doin...feels like my education is a waste...16yrs...n the wisdom of books...haz been almost zero...i ve only grown as a person...still growin to becum someone..better...it sucks!!..i sometimes don like the way i m...if i don then who will...i wanna be an activist..wanna fight for the women n children of india...who are deprived of so many beautiful momments....who are treated like they were never meant to see this beautiful world...n they are curse which the community is puttin up with....wanna make them see the beautiful world...want them to feel all the happiness i could have....but my dad ...he says only ppl who don have a good family life go for stuff like this.
partly he is rite...u can never keep ur family happy if u wanna dedicate urself fully to this kinda work....but i dunno....i don even think i ll ever meet the one i want....relationships are suppose to teach you...to give u courage to make the next one your ultimate one...so tht u make sure nothing goes wrong...n u live happily...but somehow...i seem to lack all this...all tht i get is insecured...dunno when s the next time he s gonna come up to me n say...i don want u nemore....is it with men this age...tht they give u everythin n then walk away...or is somethin wrong with me....my temper is it???/ i do not know...i don want to know...sometimes i feel like runnin away from the world n hide in this corner where no one knows me...where my past doesn find me....god i m so sad...i don like nethin i did...m so fuckin pessimistic!!!!
here i go again....i guess i shouldn think so much....i ll go play tennis or basket ball toda...tht shud help...i don wan to create my own hell!!

2006-05-08T13:58:00.000-07:00

its 2:30 .....n i m not sleepy...at the same time i do not know what to do.
m here in chennai...takin a break n ii should be happy shouldn I....but then somethin happened today i dunno what....i seem to feel low again.

god!!!! y do i get depressed so easily.

there are nice things as well sadness around me...n i am so sick...that i always put these nice things aside and walk towards the dark until i have it....its so infuriatin ...i cry so easily...cry for the stupidest things....but then i m chirpy..bubbly ...what a weird mix, ain ..I.

i m thinkin too much again...will stop rite here.

???

2006-04-16T01:32:00.000-07:00

I was having this conversation with one of my friends the other day and he says he feels lonely and this sometimes gets him frustrated and hampers his actions towards others. Now, according to him why he feels lonely and depressed at times is because of lack of a female companion or lets put it this way he wants a girl friend, a girl on whom he can rely and make him complete.

I thought men are supposed to be stronger and girls are the ones who are emotional, sensitive and need someone to care for them.
I didn’t know men could get so vulnerable. I am sorry if I offended any male gender. I am trying my best not to generalize. From what I’ve seen most men associate better with their own sex, they bond better with guy friends on an emotional level and have more fun in a group of guys than in a group having girls too. Whereas most girls always like someone to look up to.

It’s a very typical trait observed in most men doing engg or those working the first few years of their careers. They feel lonely, bored …or what I don’t know they all want a woman they can love, care for, to be the anchor when in distress. Everyone whether male or female wants to love or be loved. But the desperation. …Why, why do men get frustrated and feel lonely over not having a girl or finding the love of their life.
Its not this particular friend of mine…there are so many of them in and around me. I ve read blogs of where guys write about how to get a girl, what love is like what can it be.trust me their imagination has no bounds…what kind of a girl one would want goes on and on…its bcum like the talk of the town.. Where the young generation is so hooked on to this topic called love. Even movies like RDB don have much effect, like a fragrance lingered for sometime but then gone off with time. The flavor in demand [i] is always love.

Do men want a girlfriend because they feel they ve almost achieved what they wanted to be..Where they want to be, and now its time to find a companion who they can settle with or is it like a status symbol or a trend to be followed …” look I got gurl” and she’s HOT, BEAUTIFUL, PRETTY…goes the order. I don’t know for how many brains matter more.
I don’t deny for many it jus happens they find the right girl at the right time. But what about the others…why such an urge, its like the daily talk..”Yaar when do I find my girl”.

I really want to know whether my assumptions are right or wrong. All my life I ve been hearing I ve judged men and I ve judged them wrong.

[i]

2006-04-12T06:47:00.000-07:00

got my cell back on monday..god i couldn help smilin.....never thot life with a cell could feel this good.....pals wanted to take it away..they thot i was havin a sms overdose...lol!!!

rendezvous

2006-04-12T06:27:00.000-07:00

its all darkness that you see when you look up. but in this black garment you see these small gleamin lights twinkling away. Runs of fainted white streaks, which are like the gypsies on it....add to its beauty. the wind blows thru my hair and whispers in my ears these sweet nothings which make my lips curl everythime i think of it......my ears been achin for long wishing somebody came by and made me feel special again.

nothing else matters playin in the background adddin notes to my rendezvous with nature...i cant ask for more..this beautiful evening i wish i can keep it forever ....makes me float....feels like i m somewhere where you don have anything to think about...nothin to worry...and life at its best.
there the uniform guy comes blows his whistle like always...its a pity i have to go.

2006-03-24T23:41:00.000-08:00

My current status....LOL!!!

2006-03-19T23:20:00.000-08:00

He has been wantin it from the time he found out it exists. With time the desire to posses it grew...not defining any boundaries.

And now finally when he got what he wanted, he doesn want it at all. He wants to kill its existence in his life.

HoLi Hai!!!!!

2006-03-15T09:01:00.000-08:00

Everyone’s…lazily sitting in the hostel…no one wants to play today. So I go blast rang barse bheege chunar waali on DaZe’s system loud enough to shake the whole corridor. And I see some spirit rising,
Exchanges of sms with the girls from the other block…what time do we color everybody!!!!???Now tht helped. Everyones deciding what do we wear…so .my pal MissT comes up with this brilliant idea of clearing her stock of t-shirts (coll-fest tees) plenty for the 9 of us!!
So here we are all dressed …ready for the kill!!! Plenty of color in hand…any shade you ask we girls got it…. from disgustingly PINK to dirty ORRANGE.
And now somebody pushed the panic button….”your hair gets ruined, oil it”. God no ones got hair oil…how sad can we get…I emptied my horrible smelling jaborandi …PoPsI s the saviour…”here s parachute ppl”.
All set but we still not going??…All busy posing for videos n snaps. The rAm inaugurates her digicam today n Ck doing a good job taping all of us…like DaZe calls it…Kodak moments…never miss em! . Last holi together, Ok lets not get senti and all…. so what are we waiting for…photu khatam…video khatam…lets hit it!!!
We enter the b.ball court n there are showers from all directions…. mugs, buckets, bottles, dustbin…. anything that holds water. God what a sight…holi is surely colorful this year except that we are all struggling to open our color packets…coloring anyone n everyone possible. (It might not sound like so much fun rite now…but trust me once you are down here you ll know what its like). Gear n me rocking like always…yelling crazily like we lost our minds!!!
Camphor’s all yellow green and blue…. drenched too. And MiG20 everyone loves coloring her…. she s probably got the worse colors on her. Poor girl she s must work hard on scrubbing them off.
The mess wash is where the waters coming from …every soul present there is dripping with colored H2O…. oh! Here we run …warden is here yelling in Tamil like she always does…. fun spoiler!!!
Doesn’t matter much actually we all gather together MiG20 is splashing the dirty water on the court …she is even using it on ppl’s face. God if they find out she s surely dead.n now we have this bright idea of givin holi bumps to our beloved missT. Poor soul …she is always the victim…n the crowd here…everyone starts doing the same …miserable souls…cant they think of their own idea!!
That’s it! . Our holi ends we run back in so we get the bathrooms spick and span. Another session here …the SUPERVISOR is here ppl run!!

2006-03-15T08:55:00.000-08:00

There is this bright white light and I cant glare back at it….my eyes hurt. But am glad I finally made it…. I made my way to it.
The darkness that was my abode for the past few months has been discarded. The CAPSID is no longer required.

2006-03-10T09:07:00.000-08:00

i love sports...guess this would be the zillionth time i am sayin it.

past two days have been really action packed!!! girls football, finally after tryin for two years we now have it in my coll...good response down here. must have had atleast 20 girls on the field the other day.

we are startin with regular B.ball practice too...every week matches based on years...finally we girls will be addin some kinda spark in our dead monotonous life here.

my coll is so full of MCP's (male chauvenistic pig).
if we girls don fare at intercoll level...they mock!!!
n if we make an effort to play like i ve inititaed they make fun ...callin our games bad...c'mon if we don play when are we goin to learn ...all they have to say is ...anyways its girls n what can they...
hmmm most men here...god they get on my nerves.
anythin out of the way a girl does. she is called names.
the same thing a guy does..he ' s great..MACHO n STUDS are the terms tht are goin to be used for them.
huh!!!
n the management ...they are the gods here who think all northindian women are bad!!!
if a guy talks to a girl out in public ...she s gonna get pregnant. what do we tell her folks!!
lots of security guards in and ard the coll but all worthless
a guy doesn wear his id ...security says nothin ..he s scared coz the guy throws him a volley of verbal abuses n he shuts up.

whereas for a girl ...he looks at her bosom to check whether she s wearin one or not ..n then treats her like she has no selfrespect...they hv got it from most of my friends....

n eavesteasin in my coll...god don ask ..u cross a group of these arts school tamil guys n you know they are commentin on you...its their cheap laugh which makes it very evident.

sad coll. dunno when will a revolution come up n change all this...

this blog has come up bcoz of an impulsive reaction ....seems very messy ...bear with it.
thanks..crashed

chicken

2006-03-07T09:22:00.000-08:00

i like to write...jus anything....earlier i used to get the flow when i had a pen in my hand and i could keep nibblin at its end....but now sittin in front of a system somehow lets me open my ends n let my words flow....

to day i m goin to write about CHICKEN!!!

BIRD FLU....god why did it have to happen!!!
i cant survive without it man...three weeks n only mutton n fish...these mess ppl ruin tht also.
nowadays,when we sit in class all we think of is food...food as in chicken.
ok am bored writin abt this now...see what this thing does to you
its one pathetic blog am goin to publish ...but atleast this time am talkin abt chicken n not me!!

arghhhhhh!!!!!

2006-03-04T08:23:00.000-08:00

how more careless can i get ..lost my atm today...why is my life gettin so miserable...three days back i get bashed on the court . n now i have these horrible ugly wounds which aren healin...i cant wear pants for another week ..god!!!..n the basketball imprints on my left cheek, looks like somebody punched me bad...why am i deprived of writin nice stuff on my blog!!!i hate myself ....rite now i really do!!

?????

2006-02-24T01:46:00.000-08:00

the tiniest momment in your life can have major impacts!!!!
my cellphone got confiscated i wish i can smile.

GoD!!!!

2006-02-20T20:53:00.000-08:00

If God had a name, what would it be
And would you call it to his face
If you were faced with him in all his glory
What would you ask if you had just one question
And yeah yeah God is great yeah yeah God is good
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home
If God had a face what would it look like
And would you want to see
If seeing meant that you would have to believe
In things like heaven and in jesus and the saints and all the prophets
And yeah yeah god is great yeah yeah god is good
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home
He's trying to make his way home
Back up to heaven all alone
Nobody calling on the phone
Except for the pope maybe in rome
And yeah yeah God is great yeah yeah God is good
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
What if god was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home
Just trying to make his way home
Like a holy rolling stone
Back up to heaven all alone
Just trying to make his way home
Nobody calling on the phone
Except for the pope maybe in rome

Happiness!!!

2006-02-15T05:52:00.000-08:00

there is so much happiness when you make others happy!!
i played my tennis finals today...it was a clean sweep for my team.
but i was playin against one of my very close pals...score was 5-0, and she didn wish to play any further.
didn like to see her so sad!!...so i let her come till 5-5, but then i was overconfident i guess...lost out in the tie breaker 5-7.
but am happy...i was the reason for someone being happy...i know i got unfair towards my team mate..but one has to let go off somethings!!
n my gulab jamuns were good..he liked em!!
what more can i ask for??

my valentine

2006-02-14T05:34:00.000-08:00

Today is Valentines Day....sounds like fun for everyone...doesn it???
well i jus relished a softy...n am down here to write what i did today....pretty borin it was...except tht i went down to play tennis in the evenin! My game s impoved a lot...cheers for me!!!
i made gulab jamuns for my ex...have sent them through a friend...we haven even wished each other...hope he ll appreciate n not get offended.
he doesn give a damn about me...n i don give up here. i ve bcum spineless..is what ppl say...all my life ppl have been wooing me..its my turn this time...i cant help it..i love him too much i guess...givin in a lot n tryin not to expect...ppl temme not to be a doormat..coz they think he doesn deserve me...but am i good enuf to deserve somebody better i dunno??/ still findin out...workin on my weaknesses but sometimes i feel like tearin myself apart ....bcum very restless...tryim hard to work on PATIENCE....yes thats key word for me
haven wished my good pal too...was thinkin he would do...i gotta let go of my ego for others too..
i ll give him a call n wish him...saw him with his gal today..n we jus waved n walked past...
the scene was so diff 2 months...things change with time i guess...n we gotta learn to take changes well...oe person i was so dependent on jus dissappeared
god!!! am gonna STOP CRIBBIN

there were nice things too.....camphor gave me a chocolate
thanks a ton!!!
a lot of ppl atleast cared to wish....aesa babe i love you too...hope u havin fun with ansh today
n i played well tht completes it alll....hopefully somethin later in the night won get screwed up by me!!!

the ist one

2006-02-08T23:54:00.000-08:00

this is a new begining for me....bloggin from scratch. don want ppl who know me to read it coz they cant shutup about it and leave me alone.but i confided it to camphor. i trust her to the core.jus told her about it over lunch n probably she ll be readin it tonight. you asked me why capsid??? capsid cause the name appealed to me so did its meanin....although spelt caspid. caspid the PROTECTIVE LAYER of virus. i seem to be buildin up one, dunno what affects its gonna have on me..hopefully positive!! its not a shell....but a coverin. don wanna be a puppet anymore. i keep sayin but i don follow it.
yesterday i got two of my papers, bad marks. although i cleared them ...it wasn worth all the effort i had put in. so i decided over lunch i will stop sports for a while, when i said this to a close freind of mine, she snapped back "its your life do what you want to"...minor statement but major consequences..i got deppressed and sad...cried like i always do.
i jus cudn stop them (my tears) .i felt miserable and alone.past few months and i hv lost every single person i took time to get close to...like the snap of a finger they all dissapeared...i feel alone ...very alone. confided to my mum she says be your own best friend...i m tryin but failin miserably..21 yrs of my life i was like this,difficult to change in a day. but not givin up either. whats troublin me is why cant i get stable n have a good grip over my life...what the hell!! am i doin. its all so crazy
i feel so restless so confused..stranded somewhere in the dark...lost my path,am this wonderer on the road of life ...treadin in a direction i do not know. lookin out desperately for a destination to go to...all i can say to comfort myself is ...girl plz have some PATIENCE.

FeEl....this is wat i ...

2006-02-08T20:32:00.000-08:00

Come and hold my hand
I want to contact the living
Not sure I understand
This role I’ve been given
I sit and talk to God
And he just laughs at my plans
My head speaks a language
I don’t understand
I just want to feel real love
In the home that I live in
'Cause I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste
I don’t want to die
But I ain’t keen on living either
Before I fall in love
I’m preparing to leave her
I scare myself to death
That’s why I keep on running
Before I've arrived
I can see myself coming
I just want to feel real love
In the home that I live in
There’s a hole in my soul
Can’t you see it in my face
Of real disgrace
I need to feel real love
And a life ever afterI feel like givin' up
I just want to feel real love
In the home that I live in
I got too much love
Running through my veins
Going to waste
I just want to feel real love
In a life ever after
There’s a hole in my soul
Can’t you see it in my face
It’s a real disgrace
Come and hold my hand
I want to contact the living
Not sure I understand
This role I’ve been given
Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand